Stillbirth during Surrogacy: The Healing Continues

A little recap:

Kaitlyn was carrying twin boys as a surrogate. Sadly the pregnancy ended at 23 weeks, and the boys did not make it. You can read more about that here: What No One Tells You About Surrogacy: Kaitlyn’s Story.

Surrogacy after Stillbirth: The Healing Continues

Many have asked about Kaitlyn since, so I reached out to see if she would like to share an update. She gladly agreed to write a new blog post, which you can read below:

 

Six weeks.

It has been six long weeks. Probably the longest six weeks of my life, in fact.

Kaitlyn_Delivery

It all seems to blend together when I look back on it. Overall I’m doing okay. I won’t say the grieving process has been easy, especially since October is pregnancy loss awareness month. It was kind of painful since the wound was still fresh.

The first week was literally the worst week of my life. Between the pregnancy hormones crashing and what had happened all clashing I struggled really, really bad. I cried more than I ever knew possible. Everything triggered my tears.

Fortunately, my amazing husband welcomed those tears. The nights were the worst. I had such horrible night terrors and would wake up literally drenched in sweat sobbing. Some of the dreams were of mobs outside my house screaming it was all my fault. I’d wake up and swear I’d hear banging outside. It was terrible.

The second week proved no better. It was Thursday, the day before my 2 week postpartum mark. I called my OB wanting to get in because I was really struggling with sleep and handling things. I wanted to speak with them and get seen by a psychologist. They would not assist me with coming in and suggested I searched for help elsewhere. Talk about a serious kick when you are down. This was after I had been calling since birth to set up my postpartum checkup. Great office, huh?! I called my general doctor and he sat and talked with me and got me the help that I needed.

At about 2.5 weeks postpartum my husband (he is such a saint for this one) finally told me I could get the pug I have always wanted. This dog has seriously been the biggest comedian ever. He cracks me up and was exactly what I needed when I’m feeling down.

Stillbirth during Surrogacy

On top of that great gift, I’m back to working out and horseback riding. I’m running five days a week and doing yoga six days a week. It feels AMAZING to be back exercising.

As far as horseback riding, at four weeks postpartum I got this wonderful (hah!) idea to take my horse to a horse show/competition. We ended up winning a second and third place in jumping classes. Mind you, these were tiny jumps. But I had only ridden three times since giving birth so I was pretty pleased with my little horse!!

Surrogacy after Stillbirth: The Healing Continues

I have to say, through this whole process I have had the best friends. You truly find out who your friends are when you’re grieving. My best friend has literally been over at least four days a week to see me and hangout. I don’t think I could have gotten through this without her. She was up the hospital almost every night, too. She decorated my hospital room and brought me some delicious snacks. She’s a beautiful human being.

Surrogacy after Stillbirth: The Healing Continues

I have found a new faith in God, and got baptized with my husband. It was so beautiful and I have really turned to my new church family for support, as well. I know He has a plan for me, and this was all part of the plan, even though I will never understand what happened to the boys. I miss them terribly. I pray they are in Heaven and being comforted until their mommy and I join them to snuggle with them. I hope they truly know how much I love them. They each have a piece of my heart. My heart no longer feels whole. But it gives me peace knowing those beautiful little boys are in Heaven.

I have finally finished pumping. I found a local mom that was in need of breast milk for her baby. I didn’t want to waste my milk since I produce so much. In one month, I donated about 1000 ounces to her. My milk was slowing down, and it was extremely time consuming. With two toddlers, I just didn’t have time for it. I am proud of how much I donated, though! And I’m glad I got that opportunity.

The 29th of October was my six week postpartum check up. I did not go back to my OB that I used when I was pregnant with the twins, as I was not happy with the care I received. My new OB is absolutely amazing. She was like an old friend going in there. She checked me over, and was pleased with my healing. Everything is back to where it is supposed to be.

The doctor asked me if I was thinking of another journey, and I told her I would love to do it again. She said I absolutely could. She said that this was just one of those things that happened. Twins are just really hard on the body. And my body couldn’t do it. I carried both of my children to 38 weeks, so this was just a terrible tragedy that no one saw coming.

I have spoken with my IP’s, and we may be doing another journey. I’m not sure if their RE will approve me again. But either way, I will be waiting awhile to let myself heal and get back in shape.

Overall, I’m doing pretty well. I am finally having good days again. I have my hard days still where I feel like the world crashes down around me, but I remind myself that these days are okay to have… they’re normal. These emotions are normal.

I heard the pain never goes away, I heard you just learn to live with it. For days after I delivered the twins, I told my mom how I didn’t know people could live with the pain. But now I understand it. It really does get easier, and you learn to live day by day.

For any moms that go through a loss, please remember it will get easier. I pray for all moms that have gone through the loss of a child. I have found support online to other angel mommas. Accepting help was the best decision I made.

I just want to tell everyone thank you so much for all the support I have received since I started this journey. And I really appreciate all the cards, messages, and love. Everyone has really helped me get through this hard time in my life.