An Intended Mom’s mess of thoughts at 37 weeks…
We are officially “any day” away, and my emotions are most definitely all over the place that I feel like anything I write is going to come out as such. Hopefully it isn’t too all over the place:
The past few weeks since my last post have flown by at a speed I am not familiar with, as I recovered from a bumpy laparoscopic surgery, worked my bottom off to get my office in order before my pending departure, “prepped” for Ava, and also packed up our small apartment and moved us into a brand new (much bigger) apartment. Yes, you read that right. In one week we packed, moved, unpacked, and settled in just before I needed to leave for Southern California to begin “baby watch”. Life is only fun when it is hectic, right?!
A few weeks ago, at 32 weeks, I took an overnight trip to San Diego to visit a friend. I sat next to a new mom with a 6 month old baby girl. We didn’t talk much, but towards the end of the quick 1 hr. flight I exchanged a big smile with her gorgeous dimpled baby, and the woman asked me, “Do you have any kids?” The big question. A few years ago, my answer was always the same: “Not yet”. This is the answer I gave this new mama on the plane, as I could tell she didn’t actually want to chat with me while trying to feed her fussy baby a bottle during our flight’s descent.
I thought about this moment a lot over these past few weeks. How that one question, that no doubt every woman gets asked, used to tear me apart. A few years ago I would answer the dreaded question and cringe and shatter on the inside. I would smile and sound hopeful but instead would be internally flooded with negative thoughts and think about the Lupron shot I had to inject in my stomach at 9 PM that night, no doubt in a restaurant’s dirty bathroom stall.
But this time, how wonderfully giddy this question made me! Although I told her “not yet”, I was busting at the seams with excitement. I smiled for a good twenty minutes as we descended into San Diego remembering that my baby girl was healthy, growing, and kicking away in Tarynn’s 32 week belly. My how things have changed in just one year!
Speaking of, our entire journey will have started, and ended, in one year’s time. One year ago, I was recovering from being sad, tired, and wrapping up 4 years of struggle and defeat. I had a new-found second wind, and had spent the entire beginning of 2015 looking into surrogacy. One year ago from *today*, I wrote an Intended Parent Spotlight to be featured on All Things Surrogacy, and thanks to the help of Janae I received a response from an intriguing woman named Tarynn.
Today, this woman is days or weeks away from delivering our precious 5BB embryo #10, from IVF batch #2, or as we like to call her, Ava.
Sometimes I am at work and I randomly worry that I haven’t thanked Tarynn enough. If she really, truly understands how she is changing our lives forever. I know she knows, but sometimes I wish she could just see inside my head (and heart) to really feel how indebted I feel towards her and her selfless and generous offer to carry our embryo to term and to life outside the womb. There are no words adequate enough, and it is by far the most special and significant thing anyone will ever do for us. To live this one life and be able to experience that kindness is not something I take lightly. I know how lucky I am. Despite everything I have endured in the past, I am SO SO LUCKY.
Today I am working remotely from our southern California office. I packed up and left our apartment in northern California, (more packing! haha) and am just winging it every day until we get “the call”. It was a tearful goodbye as Brooks did not come with me, and I am not quite sure when I will see him next! But whether it is tomorrow or in 3 weeks, the next time we are together, we will be new parents. Brooks is still finishing up work at home, and will join once things progress and he gets word, knowing there is a chance he may need to make an emergency flight down here at the drop of a hat. We are as ready as anyone can be. Honestly, we are more than ready. This baby was wanted, planned for, and is FINALLY arriving because we didn’t give up, and because of an amazing person like Tarynn.
I’m feeling crazy excited, I’m anxious, I’m nervous, and part of me STILL doesn’t know if it is real. Largely in part to not having the evidence and movement under my own rib cage. However, I have no doubt in my mind that when she decides to arrive, Ava is going to know that *I* am her Mom. Being down here, only an hour and a half away from Tarynn, and knowing my child will be born at any moment is a very surreal feeling. If I think about it, I immediately start tearing up. I am just trying to be ready for anything, yet also keeping myself busy with last work projects and casual plans with friends to keep my mind from spinning out of control.
People keep asking what I am most excited for… The birth? Holding her for the first time? Well, of course. But, I am MOST excited to get to know this little person and her unique personality. She already seems to have plenty of sass that Tarynn constantly reminds me of, and she’s still in utero! (I’m screwed lol.) I’ve tried a few times to write Ava a letter, as my “Baby’s First Year” book is prompting me to do. I seriously can’t get through it. I want to say everything and yet I can’t put anything into words, and every time I try, I just ugly cry onto the paper. This feeling of love is pretty darn overwhelming, and what they say really is true… How could I love her so much already without having met her yet? It is beyond me. So to my sweet daughter who I have yet to meet, I hope you enter this world with little fear and confusion, and know you are going to be the most loved baby there ever was.
And for those of you who have been waiting for these pics, a lovely bump collage of our amazing gestational carrier in her third trimester: